Isolation agitation

Questions that line up and demand to be answered just when I’m trying to sleep

1. Will we emerge into a much hairier post-viral world?

If there’s no work, no gym, no going out to eat/drink/be merry, no celebrations, no occasions, is anyone bothering to depilate, shave or tweeze? And will we grow to like it?

2. Is walking along a gusty seafront like visiting a fast-food Covid joint?

I may be steering clear of other walkers/runners/cyclists along the coastal path but if their breath is being carried to me direct by the hand of Aelous, god of wind, what difference does two metres make?

3. Is anyone manufacturing a human version of the Pet Recovery Cone?

We’ve all smirked at some poor dog wearing a don’t-scratch-your-stitches funnel, but if this were combined with a Handmaid’s Tale bonnet wouldn't you end up with a fully protective Corona Crown (and a tautology)?

4. Where is all the visual propaganda?

If this virus manifested itself like leprosy or necrosis, would we all have been in hiding long ago? A photo of a ventilator is not exactly scary. Does a bit more shock and awe equal bad taste or good show?

5. If leaving your home cost £100 a time, would you be more efficient about breaching lockdown?

The longer lockdown goes on, the more devastating the economic outcomes: bankruptcy, redundancy, savings wipeout, pensions ruin, mortgage default, debt, unemployment, poverty. Wouldn't short-term threats reduce the far greater fallout later?

6. Should the activity known as 'Just going out for some bits' be outlawed?

When I saw people grazing, trawling and ruminating in Stratford Westfield’s enormous Boots, I realised they were spending Saturday exactly as they’d always done. What’s worse - running out of blusher or breath?